I’m a Fat Bastard

I made the determination around the first of the month that my belly was starting to need a separate wardrobe.

It was getting quite gelatinous to say the least. My pants were straining at the seams, and I had made the unfortunate error or bending over in more than one pair of jeans.  They were a little too tight and screamed in a fit as they were being ripped apart. It was a brutal and unceremonious death for them.

As I was sitting on my couch [watching Jerry Springer, I always watch Jerry at 11] about a month ago, eating deep fried french fries at 11 in the morning and sucking down my 3rd Sprite already that day, I determined my diet and weight loss program wasn’t working so well for me.

I decided to attempt a weight reduction program by Googling Fitness Gyms in my area.  It made me feel pretty healthy to do that.  I saw all the photos of the pretty and fit people on the website and I felt a few pounds lighter just thinking about getting fit.  I ate a few more french fries, took a couple of swallows of Sprite and tried not to get my keyboard greasy when I signed up for a free introductory 7 day membership.

I already felt the calories burning.

About a week later I got a call from a local gym following up on my inquiry.  He wanted to set up an appointment for a tour of the gym.  You see, I had only signed up for the free trial and had not actually printed out the coupon and taken it in.  Now they were tracking me down.

I urged my daughter to go in with me for the tour.  The thing about my daughter is that she is 16. slender, and very fit.  On top of that, she eats relatively healthy.  I didn’t want to go alone, I wanted some moral support from my resident health freak.

The tour completed and I was promptly given the sales pitch.  Oh great, now they want me to commit to a contract membership.  I’m a cheapskate, no seriously.  If these assholes make me sign up for this shit, I’ll have no other choice than to go in and “workout“.  I caved to the sales pitch and I did indeed sign up for both me and my daughter.

I distinctly remember my first visit to actually workout.  I proudly bragged about my fabulous diet to one of the body builders that work there.  You know, pop, french fries, junk food, and all the other stuff that kills you slowly while forcing a person to wear sweatpants.

I can’t go so far as to say there was a look of horror in his eyes.  It was more of that look like, no wonder you are such a fat bastard.  Then he began his evangelical spew on how I should eat healthy and how I should have a work out regiment and all the other things I really didn’t want to hear.  I mean, after all, I had a gym membership now…  Wasn’t that enough to lose weight?

This might be shocking to some of you who have never possessed a gym membership, like I do now.  But, merely possessing a gym card doesn’t help you lose weight.  Apparently you have to eat the right foods and not eat the bad ones.  It really is a pain in the ass.

I have now been going to the gym for 3 weeks.  I was 206.6 pounds when I began and I have lost almost 3 pounds.  I was at 203.8 the last time I logged my weight.

My goal is to get down to 170 pounds.  I have cut out all pop from my diet and now when I have the occasional “french fry”, I bake them in the oven to reduce calorie intake. All I drink now is zero calorie flavored water.  I can only assume that cutting out a few thousand calories a day in Sprite and French Fries have helped in some way with losing weight.

I have an App that that I use called JeFit to log the workout that I do.  I input the exercise I do, at what weight, and how many.  I also log my weight.

I'm A Fat Bastard
I’m A Fat Bastard

I hope, that by the end of the year, that I will be down to 170.


About The Ultimate Skeptic

Questioning Politics, Religion, News, and everything else that doesn’t makes sense. I am beyond the stance of being an Atheist, I am an anti-theist. YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/TheeUltimateSkeptic Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheUltimateSkep Tumblr: http://ultimateskeptic.tumblr.com/ About.Me: http://about.me/ultimateskeptic My Podcasts: http://ultimate-skeptic.buzzsprout.com/

Posted on March 21, 2013, in General and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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